Freshman year of high school is not for the weak. Struggling to perform highly in each area of my life and hoping to find confidence in my achievements, I began to push myself beyond my limits. No matter how hard I tried, I never felt that I was enough for myself and others. That is when I realized there was one thing I could control: food.

I had always viewed myself critically. Constantly trying to shrink myself, I apologized for not only my actions but who I was. When I started high school, it seemed everything was out of control. I needed something to focus on and to define myself by. Restricting my eating only made things worse. Suddenly, I had no energy for the things I loved and sitting down to eat with my family was a chore. I, however, could not recognize this in the moment. I loved feeling small, like I didn’t take up too much space. Being weak and fragile seemed like something I could place my identity in.

I was so wrong. Disordered eating hurt my own health and stopped me from being able to do the things I loved. I was able to find recovery when I realized the impact my behaviors were having on my life and got help from professionals.

In recovery, I found life again. I had energy, joy, and the ability to delight in food. I rekindled my love for cooking and drew close to the friends I had pushed away. I began to realize that who I was, regardless of my appearance and achievements, was beautifully and wonderfully made. I want to help others come to this same realization. My hope is that Beautiful Plate will be one way of bringing beauty back to the table for those struggling with disordered eating, while at the same spreading awareness for an illness that impacts so many people.

– Ainsley